If you are perfectly, completely, utterly and totally unconditionally in the moment,
there cannot be a conflict.
Often when people are sharing with me, they’re talking about both sides of their life, what is working for them, what isn’t working for them. And I don’t think I know anybody at all personally who doesn’t have some sort of conflict in their life, some sort of thing where it isn’t the way they would like it to be.
And often in relationships it’s the same thing. There is something there that just doesn’t quite click [snaps fingers]. So then, I take a look and say, “So, what is it? What’s actually going on?” Well, the first thing that flashes is, they’re not living in the moment. If you’re perfectly, completely, utterly and totally, unconditionally in the moment, there can’t be a conflict, because … the moment, the moment, the moment, the moment … it is, what it is, whatever it is.
But then, if we go, let’s say, back a bit, to look at so…. We could say, “How come the person isn’t in the moment?” But, let’s say, “How come there’s a conflict in any way?”
Well, what I see is…. Let’s look at it in terms of relating. Both people have stuff. We all have stuff. If we didn’t have stuff, we’ll be here … now … in a state that’s indescribable. So, we have stuff. So when I look at somebody saying, “Well, we’ve got this going on between us, or in our lives.” What I see is the person is not recognizing their stuff. They might think they are, but if ever they do recognize their stuff, it’s neutralized instantly. As soon as you see it clearly, the way it is rather than the way you would like it to be, want it to be, if you see it the way it is, it’s neutralized.
I’m not saying it’s necessarily gone, but certainly in that moment it’s neutralized. It might come back. But if you see it, you will keep neutralizing it.
So then, I’m asking myself right now, “So how come, we don’t do that?” Well, first of all probably nobody has ever told us. They certainly didn’t tell us that at school, or in our families, or our government, or our…. Anyway, nobody told us that. We haven’t been told the essentials of life.
So we don’t want to see the way it is. We want to see it the way we want to see it. The way we want it to be. So, when we keep looking for the way we wanted to be, we don’t see the way it is.
So back to stuff … talking about relationships again. Both people have stuff that, in a way, they don’t want to recognize for themselves or between … between the two. So it’s, “How are things really? What’s really going on in this very moment?” And then there’s a clarity, and then there’s no conflict. And we could say, “Well, what if the other person is still arguing, or fighting, or something?”
But, I know this sounds a bit strange, but you see, there isn’t another person. There’s no such thing as another person. There’s only ourselves. And we create everything around us. So, how can I describe that?
Let’s say, two people are standing in the street and somebody comes up and starts shouting at them. The one person reacts, energy rises, old anger that hasn’t been discharged, now sees an excuse to discharge itself, pride, control, fear. And the other one just listens and sees the other person. Sees them, “Ah, so this looks like what’s happening with them.” But you see, it’s not just them. Everything that happens in another, it’s happening in us and it’s, “How are we with it – yes or no.” With a yes, there is nothing else for the other person to hang onto, because [laughs] there’s nobody there, but there is of course. You’re both there. You’re both one.
I keep coming back to … this … very … moment … just as it is. Now, I’ not discounting. There’s of course, “We would like to know, what we are going to do in December?” but it doesn’t matter, what you plan. It doesn’t mean to say, you’re going to do it. There are people stuck on Bali at the moment, and they were going to come home days and days and days ago. And do this and that and the other but they can’t, because there’s a volcano gone off and there’s no flights in and out. And the same in Spain, there are people stuck in Spain and there are people stuck in Egypt, in Egypt. Thousands of people are stuck in Egypt now. They had a whole different plan for their life and suddenly [snaps] their whole life is different. Especially the people that were in the plane that crashed.
So we don’t know. It’s all a theory. We’re talking about the future, but it’s all theoretical. There isn’t a future. We are planning the way we would like to be of course. But you don’t need to say it’s going to be like that.
So, are we ready to come back to this moment and be in this moment? And then acknowledge, “Yes, my preference is… and I will plan for.…” But as soon as we make it a demand, not just a desire, a demand, then we’re stuck on a wheel, rather then, “Yes, I have a preference for that, but it’s a very light, gentle one. Because I don’t know what’s best for me.”
Whenever anything happens, what’s this moment telling you? What’s there for you? What’s in it for you? What can you gain from this very moment? Whatever it is….
I’ve just been reminded, another valuable tool, incredibly valuable: share your inner dialogue. What’s really going on with you, first with yourself and you say, “That’s silly, I know what’s going on.” No you don’t. You think things that you don’t allow yourself to think. You feel things that you don’t allow yourself to feel. No, what is your absolute truth?
Now, when you register your absolute truth, I’m not saying you have to blurt it out, or even share it, but get it first. Get it, what is your … your real truth? How do you really want things to be? And then, tune into the other person. And whatever’s appropriate will flow out of you then. But if you’re holding, if you’re not being absolutely truthful with yourself and appropriately truthful with the other person, you’ll be in a muddle.