A Friend wrote:
I’m having a shadowy moment. Circumstances seem grim. I’m just watching as the mind
gets agitated and angry and negative and suicidal. Sometimes I have the feeling that all
that is not really me and sometimes I still forget and identify with those thoughts. Then
I find myself crying and crying and unable to move. I feel so stupid that I haven’t learned
how to deal better with this situation that I’ve experienced my whole life. And now I
wonder if there is something wrong with my brain. Something tells me not to give up hope
yet. Somehow, I feel like happiness and compassion and love are possible and that it is
possible to live in those states consistently, even for me.
I know that what I really want is to be the best, kindest, most loving and giving
human being that I can possibly be. And what I notice is that if the mind is occupied
with finding ways to kill my body, it’s challenging to do that.
Greetings Dear Friend,
Sounds as though you are going through an interesting time. Many people are.
Changes are happening.
There is nothing to live for.
There is no “point” to life.
Life is about living – this very moment.
Without the past or the future, this moment is exquisite.
You could experiment with that. Just sit and be there.
When the mind goes to the past, or the future, disconnect from the process and come
to your senses: see, hear, smell, taste, touch. And don’t forget to breathe. There
is so much more to life than we have been told and are experiencing. Life is in the
present; it’s vertical, not horizontal.
You say you wonder if there is something wrong with your brain. For sure there is
something off with the programming – for all of us. You say you feel yourself unable
to move out of the unpleasant experience. You are not supposed to move; you are having
that experience because you are supposed to be having that experience. It is what you
need to evolve to your maximum potential. So don’t move, just experience.
I don’t see suicide as a very practical alternative.
In my experience, everything in life is here. If you end your physical life, nothing
much changes. You are the same person in another state, and have missed the opportunity
of this one. It is the same as leaving a relationship, or a job, or any situation: You
have left the circumstance but the person you are stays the same. It is your attitude
that produces the discomfort, not the circumstance that produces it. Complaining is
disastrous. Gratitude brings joy and freedom.
You are right in saying that the negative thoughts are not you. You are the person who
wants to be the best, kindest, most loving and giving human being possible. Lovely! I
made exactly the same declaration when I was young. I made it my absolute priority, and
stayed with the process. I cannot tell you how much it is worth it. No matter how
wonderful you think it would be to be in that state, that is nothing compared to how it
actually feels. Free! It is so wonderful to live without anger, complaint, or judgment,
and to feel love for every single person and everything. And it is not “you” that feels
this love; it is coming through you. You are everything, and everything is love.
Experiment with what I have suggested and let me know how you are doing.
Sending you lots of love… Paul