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We are all looking for happiness.
We are not going to find it ‘out there’.
There is no happiness happening ‘out there’!
Transcript:
Greetings dear friends.
Somebody asked me a question recently. It brought up some replies, but in the process I realized, I’m not really any longer qualified to answer on this level. It’s about behavior and relationships and anger.
And I don’t really feel qualified anymore, because I don’t really feel connected to that level. And it’s come up and it’s a friend, so I thought, I’ll take a look and see what’s there and if it’s worth sharing with you.
What it evoked was, when the person asked this question, I looked around and found, I hardly know anybody who’s happy, hardly anybody, a few people. But most people most of the time on some level are in conflict. The whole world is on conflict. Of course, obviously country against country, you’ve got wars all over the place. Then we’ve got religions against religions all over the place. Then we’ve got conflicts within each religion. And then of course, we’ve got the corporations, the politics, the family, the relationships, the brothers and sisters – huge amount of conflict. Hardly anybody is in a beautiful, loving, peaceful state. A few people I know.
Now, I’m a good person to ask about this in theory or I was a good person, because ever since I can remember from a very, very small child, I’ve been fascinated, interested by human behavior, how people behave ’cause I couldn’t understand it. I thought there’s something wrong with me, because I can’t understand the way people behave.
So in a way, I’ve studied it all my life. That has been my priority: What … is … going … on? How come people shout and scream at each other? How countries fight each other and kill themselves in the millions? What’s going on here? So, I’ve been curious. And my curiosity has sent me around the world visiting all sorts of people, living with people who say they know the answer.
So, my whole life has been about: What is human behavior? What’s going on? Because to me it doesn’t seem to be working.
So, as I say to start with, I thought that was to do with me. Then I came to see, no, it’s not just me. Conflict really is happening. And not only in other people, it’s happening in me. I have conflicts. I get angry. I get upset. So it’s become my whole life looking at this as dispassionately as disconnected as I can; other people and what goes on with me.
So, I’ve had a vast amount experience and at the one stage, I decided to start sharing that. And I have done with thousands of thousands of people, in groups, in training groups and in individual sessions. And in a way, my whole life is still about that: What … is … going … on?
Now out of these thousands and thousands of people I’ve counselled, let’s say a few hundred – I don’t know how many – have contacted me and said, “Thank you. I’m getting what you’ve said, I’ve practiced it and my life has changed.” To varying degrees how much people have put their energy into looking, what I call what it’s all about.
So, in a way I’m qualified and in another way I am not because I feel so detached from it. So, this person asked me, “How come I keep getting angry in my relationship?”
First of all, there’s no such thing as a relationship. There’s no such thing. Relationship is based on time; past and future. And there’s no such thing. There is only relating … in … each … moment. Your mind labels this person as your partner, but there’re not because partners are in time. There’s no such thing as a partner in the moment. There is whatever there is … in this … very moment.
Next thing, you are not seeing your partner. You can’t. You don’t have the facility until you can see yourself objectively, clearly, crystal clear, you can see your own self on every level. When you do, there is no judgement. You don’t judge yourself and at that very moment, there’s no judgement for anyone else. And until then, when you look at another person, you are not seeing them, you are seeing yourself through your mind, your behavior, your goods and bads and rights and wrong.
Now, what we’re all looking for is happiness. And on the level that you’re looking for it, you are not going to find it. It’s not out there. There is no happiness out there, until you’ve seen yourself clearly, your behavior, your goods and bads and rights and wrongs, until you see that clearly and accept it. Now, did you get that? Accept it, “Yes! This is the way my system works.” Until then, you’re going to keep projecting it onto the other.
Now, the trouble is with that you see is, the other is projecting theirs onto you. So you keep trying to change the other person so that you feel happy. And of course, they’re trying to change you. You’re trying to change them. The whole world’s trying to change everybody so they feel happy. But look around. Nobody’s happy. Hardly anybody’s happy. And the only people that are happy are the people that are not trying to change other people. They say, “Oh, that’s the way this person is.” and being with them the way they are.
So the process is, you want to feel happy. And in a relationship, in order to feel happy, you want the other person to behave the way you want them to behave. But what you’re not realizing is, you want their behavior to match your neurosis. And when it matches you – which is neurosis, your behavior is neurosis – when it matches you, you imagine that you’re going to be happy. And they’re doing exactly the same thing. So each of you is trying to change the other so that they behave the way that matches your neurosis and then you think you’ll be happy. But as I say, who’s happy? Who’s got the other person to be the way they want them to be?
You know, since I started this, I’ve lost the main theme that was there when I started. So I feel as though I am rambling now, but I’ll ramble on for a bit.
Usually, whatever you’re trying to make happen in the other, you create. Let’s say you’re a very jealous person and you don’t want the other person to be attracted to other people. If you persist enough, they’ll get attracted to somebody else. It’ll drive them away. And what’s the saying? “Whatever you resist, persists.”
And again, it’s about looking out. You keep looking out, “The cause of my unhappiness is….” and no it’s not. It’s not out there. It’s in you. It’s your inner conflict. It’s you wanting your behavior to be different than the way it is and not taking responsibility for it.
Now incidentally, if your partner did change and behave the way you want them to behave, you would be stuck with your neurosis. Your partner that is causing conflict is a gift to you, a priceless gift. It’s helping you to see you more clearly, your behavioral patterns more clearly.
Now, how come that’s important? This is what I see. We’ve all got neurosis. We’ve all got patterns. We’re all stuck in these behavioral patterns. And on one level, they’re killing us. They’re killing us. In a way, they’re killing our happiness. We’re not happy with them. But the other way, if we don’t discharge in some way, that energy builds up inside and eventually the system physically breaks down, also mentally, also emotionally.
And if you look around the world, that’s happening a lot at the moment. So in a way, we need to have ourselves reflected back to us so we can see ourselves more clearly. But our behavior is an addiction.
Now, this is what an addiction is. An addiction keeps looking for a situation to set that addiction off in us so that we get for a moment a satisfied feeling of discharging it. But then it comes back again. So we’re actually looking for the situation so we can discharge it. That’s what an addiction is.
And your partner, if they’re upsetting you, is your gift to see yourself more clearly. And when this whatever-it-is, anger, comes up – let’s say it’s anger – is take a breath and be with it. Take responsibility and see it more clearly rather than, “It’s your fault.” No, it’s not their fault. It’s not a fault at all. It’s a fact. Be with the fact.
As I say, the main thing I was going to talk about, I’ve forgotten. But there is one thing I do have to share with you. Now, listen very carefully. There is a method that can free you from your addiction. There is a method. It’s an equation. And if you do it, it’s going to set you free. Now, do you get that? There is a way.
Somebody has developed a method. Now the gurus have tried. The spiritual leaders have tried. Everybody’s tried and nobody has done it except one person. One person’s done it. Her name is Byron Katie. Byron Katie! She has developed the method.
Now if you do her method, really do it, you will set yourself free. Not many people do, but people do. If you do her method, you can’t escape. You are going to see yourself so clearly, you’ll scream. You’ll see yourself. And you’ll see the whole hopeless way you’ve been trying to clear yourself. And you can’t. The way you’re doing it won’t work.
Her way does work; Byron Katie. Go on the web, you’ll get the connection. Better still, do a workshop. Better still, go and see her, if you want to get free. But you know you don’t. If you wanted to be free, you’d be free already. A part of you doesn’t want to be free. You’re addicted. You want to get angry. You want to get jealous. You want to be in control. And nobody is in control of anybody else. It’s not possible.
You can’t control someone else, because you can’t control yourself. You can’t even control yourself and you’re trying to control somebody else, who’s trying to control you. Give it up and you will enter a phase, you have no idea. All these words, the hidden harmony, the peace that passeth all understanding, the kingdom of God, the Dao, it’s there in you, now. Right now, it’s there, “Thou art that.”
You’ve got this other stuff on top. You’ve got to see this stuff clearly, honestly. Accept it and it will dissolve. And you’ll have this moment of…. It can’t be described. One with. One. There is only one and we’re the one.
I know, I’ve rambled, but I hope it’s touched you enough to at least go on the web, look up Byron Katie and do one of her exercises. Forget everything else. Forget everything. Do the little bit you’ve got to do and then sit down and do it. And set yourself free.
And when you set yourself free, you set part of existence free again. And somebody else. And somebody else. And pass it on to your friends. And pass it on to your friends. And we might set us, all set ourselves free.
What we’re actually doing here, I have no idea. This is the stage I’ve got to at the moment. It’s not hopeless, but you’ve got to be prepared to see yourself and your behavior clearly.
That’s it for now. Bye!